Writing the Pine

Sure, I was a little drunk during last night’s episode.  Sure, I was only semi-conscious for most of the episode – not because it wasn’t entertaining but as a result of food coma.  But yesterday was a solid episode featuring what would have been my high school year book quote if I do it all over again:

“We’re promoting a grenade-free America – Pauly D”

In fact if I ever ran for public office, my platform and stump speeches would center around that phrase.

Some of the highlights from last night’s episode:

• Snooki spending $395 on a pair of ridiculous glasses + Jwoww loving the tranny store.  Would not be surprised if 1) I found out she was a tranny and 2) Snooki is penniless in less than 4 years.

• Unfortunately, the cast does have a pretend job that they sorta work at this season: a gelato shop.  Fortunately, Enzo, the owner is worried about Pauly D’s hair: “This hair ain’t moving in a ice cream shop”

• I love how Angelina is stirring things up / declared that she wants to marry your girlfriend’s favorite D.J.  Sure she’s not coming back for season 3 and they’ve already replaced her, but she’s kinda like the lame duck president that just doesn’t give a shit. 

• Sammi/Ronnie.  Just get back together, hook up, get into a big fight again and then break up again.  It’s been too long and that’s what America wants.

• Situation ordering food: “Situation.  Capital S-i-t-u-a-t-i-o-n”

Guy on the other line: “Whatever dude.” 

How dare he disrespect the Situation.  Or as it was suggested, “The Instigation”

• I’m really looking forward to next week’s episode when Vinny and Snooki hook up.  Their children will be Oompa-Loompas with perspiration problems. 

• Jwoww will beat the sh*t out of Angelina.  Soon.  And as teaser clips have shown that  Snooki will as well.  Also, this is a good time to point out that Jwoww has a friend named J240Dz-HH-4c3Po.  Or something like that.  The rest of her friends has exotic names like Bob and Bill.  Wait.  Her nickname is Jwoww.   It all makes sense now

P.S. I’m sorry I failed to mention this from the premiere episode:

Double-bagging – when the girl is so ugly that you both wear bags on your head just in case hers falls off.

Jersey Shore Power Rankings – 8/6/2010

Because I don’t feel like writing any more, let’s end it with a somewhat arbitrary Power Rankings.

1) Pauly D – Gave us the quote of the year; Got slapped by Angelina; Showed us some emotion.  For the most part Pauly D has been very even keeled and hasn’t shown us much emotion (think Marlo from “The Wire”).  But last night’s and future episodes will be New Hampshire’s version of Marlo start to bust out his shell and show us some emotion.  MY NAME IS MY NAME!

2) Situation – Situation probably doesn’t deserve a #2 ranking will really have to show us more than his abs and T-shirt time to keep this position.  He’s always good for the one liners, instigating between Ron and Sam, and hooking up with chicks that flash their cooch in the club.

3) Angelina – A controversial leap to the top 3.  By end of two episodes, everyone in the house hates, she’s declared her intention to marry Pauly D, and has been the consistent outside threat that LeBron’s been looking for.  She is the Jersey Shore’s Mike Miller AND she’s in Miami.  (Finally a sports reference on our sports blog…)

4) Ron – Is potentially entering into wet blanket status after his great debut last week.  He started off so well like Emilio Bonafacio from a few years ago.  Everyone got excited and put in a waiver claim for him and then…..yeah turns out he was Emilio Bonafacio. Ronnie, either shit or get off the pot.  Although, I did notice you secretly making some Ron-Ron juice in the background of one of the scenes. 

5) Snooki – Bought a pair of glasses; dropped the chicken and angrily declared to Angelina’s friend before hanging out: “Angelina died.”  Who then promptly called back to ask: “How did she die?”  Snooks – we’re not looking for a homerun eveytime.   Just be yourself and everything will be fine.  You’re like Lance Berkman batting 7th in the Yankees new lineup.  Just go 1-3 with a walk and you’ll be golden.  Take advantage of the short porch too while you’re at it.

6) Vinny – What can I say Vinny.  Didn’t bring much to the table this week.  But I am looking forward to you rising in the rankings the next few weeks.  You’ve been barely getting by your cupcake non-Conference schedule.  You have a couple of big rivalry and conference games coming up.  And based on the previews, you might just nail her.  I mean it. 

7) Jwoww – Should change her name to J-wwho.  Hasn’t contributed much except the threat of violence.  Now if she actually delivers and knocks someone out cold . . . then we’ll talk.  I will take this opportunity to tell you that Jwoww is coming out with a high-end clothing line.  You know.  Just so you know.

8 ) Sammi – Hmm…hormonal changes.  Hates Ron.  Lets him sleep with her.  Likes Ron.  Loves Ron.  Hates Ron.  Makes up w ith Ron.  Loves Ron. Holds hands with Ron.  Finds out about Ron’s night out and then cuts off his genitals . . . Oh that last part is coming up in a few episodes.  Cool.