Jersey Shore Power Rankings

After being treated to a night of back-to-back episodes of Jersey Shore, we’ve had a major shakeup in the Jersey Shore Power Rankings. Will the Situation drop after a dreadful performance? Do we have a surprise leader of the pack?

Vinny - “How does my d*** taste, bro?” What can we say about Vinny except, where have you been all these weeks? Vinny is the one-loss team in a power conference that stumbled out of the gates (Pinkeye incident). However, it looks like he’s gaining some momentum and steam going into the Bowl Season.

Despite his forgettable start to the season, it looks like he’ll be playing in a more substantial bowl than the Meineke Car Care Bowl against UNC (aka Angelina). And let’s not forget 1) Hooking up with Mike’s sister to get back at him and 2) His dead-on impression of the Situation on the phone. He’s the Frank Caliendo of the Jersey Shore.

Ron - “One shot bro. One shot.” (Spoiler alert) Sure, he got arrested at the end of last night’s episode, but by my count he is now 2-0 in his short-lived UGC career (Ultimate Guido Championship). Dana White prides himself on bringing the best to the UFC, and now it’s time to put his money where his mouth is. Ronnie and Brock Lesner. Heavyweight Title. And his continued quest to bring down the Situation lives on – especially after a futile attempt by the Situation to break up “Rammi.”

Snooki - “I’m not trashy…unless I drink too much.” Snooki’n for Love continues at the Jersey Shore, unfortunately, Snooks has been unsuccessful – and by love of course, I mean getting laid. In her own words. On a positive note, Snooki leads the league in blurred out crotch shots by a large margin. She’s the Tiger Woods of B.O.C.S.

Pauly D - “I just want to get to the business” (referring to Danielle) I don’t recall Pauly speaking more in a single segment than in his “break-up” phone call with his Israeli stalker girlfriend. Our esteemed JS expert and poll voter, GMM did lose a lot of respect for your Girlfriend’s Favorite D.J. when he got back together with Danielle. Then again, he does love a challenge.

Situation - “She says nobody likes me, so I get after her.” Yeah, sure great reason to comment on a girl’s weight and undo years of therapy. (In Mike’s defense, she did start it and no one knew about her cracker diet in high school.)

It wasn’t a good two-episode stretch for the Situation. Vinny gives him sloppy seconds and hooks up with his kid sister (Mike without Abs), Rammi blows up his spot when he tried to make a run at Sweetheart, he gets clocked in the face, the whole house hates on him (except pauly) and the laundrymat lost his favorite wife beater. (ok I made that last one up).

But at least the man who gave us the the “Grenade” and “Didn’t have the Code to Defuse the Bomb” gave us a new entry into our vernacular:

“The Robbery” – Sure, from one perspective it can be called Sloppy Seconds, but it was a robbery. Vinny didn’t give the Situation his hot girl (described as having “nice fake boobs, fake tan, stomach showing, and a hot ass.”) She was Taken like a Liam Nieson movie. While Vinny was spraying cologne in the bathroom for a dollar a spray, the Situation pulled a John Dillenger. Some call it a larceny, but we here at WTP call it a “Robbery.”

Jwoww - She delivers a mean spinning back fist. Just ask Mike. Also, I love how the show has a little bit of everything. Take for example, Jwoww’s outfit and how she manages to keep her….umm..assets covered so well with so little. Science. With gravity of course.

Gravity – the gravitational attraction of the mass of the earth, the moon, or a planet for bodies at or near its surface (2) : a fundamental physical force that is responsible for interactions which occur because of mass between particles, between aggregations of matter (as stars and planets), and between particles (as photons) and aggregations of matter, that is 10^-39 times the strength of the strong force, and that extends over infinite distances but is dominant over macroscopic distances especially between aggregations of matter —called also gravitation, gravitational force.

There is enough gravitational pull to keep her clothes covering her ample umm…chest. Hence, why most eyes are drawn into that area as well. Gravity.

Sammi – Um. Yeah. We don’t really care about Sammi. You’re the Notre Dame of the Jersey Shore.

Angelina - Somewhere in Staten Island, there i sa very, very sad girl. I guess being famous and making money is so below you. You could have bought so many Samsonite luggages, but it’s ok, some say you have at least saved some of your dignity.

Other memorable quote(s) / Jersey Shore in the News:

Random girl: Go back to New Jersey!

• Li-Lo, Denzel and Leo fans of the Jersey Shore

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2010/01/15/leo-dicaprio-lindsay-lohan-party-cast-jersey-shore/?test=faces

• DJ Pauly D set to throw a bash in Midtown Manhattan

http://www.silive.com/entertainment/tvfilm/index.ssf/2010/01/dj_pauly_d_set_to_spin_at_mtv-.html

• Jersey Shore Cast Cashing in (Angelina is kicking herself somewhere)

http://comunidad.terra.com/comentarios/index/id/163702/user/terraentertainment/?title=Report%3A+’Jersey+Shore’+cast+charges+thousands+for+appearances

• Michael Cera Blowout + Jersey Shore

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2010/01/new_jersey_shore_arrest_comes.html

(The Power Rankings are a collaborative effort between some Jersey Shore “experts” and avid fans, FiveToolPlayer and GMM. They are based on an arbitrary criterion, a complex formula and a computer. More weight is put on recent performances.)