Writing the Pine

It’s all about the GTL. Gym. Tanning. Laundry. This will be my 2010 New Year’s Resolution.
On that note, there will BACK to BACK Jersey Shore episodes tonight. Clear your schedules. Immediately.

Before we delve into what to expect when the gang goes to Atlantic City, some thoughts from a prominent Jersey Shore Expert, GMM:

* Did anyone else find it hilarious that after Snooki drunkenly told Sam/Ron they don’t spend enough time with the other people in the house, that Sam immediately said the wanted to leave….side note: will we see her walking around with her extensions in hand in every single episode from now on? Assuming there are 5 more eppys left, i’m putting the over/under at 3.
* Snookers said that the woman who spawned the cast member formerly known as “pinkeye” was the perfect Italian woman because she cooked, cleaned and never worried about how she looked.

This just in: None of the girls on JS are in the running for that title. (”How do you peel garlic?”)

* Ronnie scares the shit out of me. I don’t care how tall he is, I do not want that man attacking me under any circumstances. “I’m not from Staten Island. Get your facts straight, bro.” I understand ron-ron…i understand.

* The ongoing smear campaign by Ronnie against The Situation continues to gain steam. He has now recruited his GF and Snook with some indication that he might be forming an all female alliance. I understand that he may have wanted to sandbag him when he was competing with him for the affection of Sweetheart, but why bother anymore? Mike has embraced his role as the one who relentlessly hounds after whatever swamp things seaside heights throws at him, why not let him stew in his own disease ridden bed and let that be that.
* That brings me to The Situation himself. This may just be clever MTV editing and splicing, but doesn’t it seem like this guy is really struggling and looking worse and worse every episode. I mean, let’s look at the recent track record: (1) he watches Snook get punched and puts on a face of “oh, that looked like it might have hurt” and does absolutely nothing. (2) he brings home behemoths who proceed to fight Snickers in what can only be described as the classiest two minutes of television ever captured. (3) he gets hung up on and stood up when he tries to pursue two different girls. (4) he seems to be the 2009 Brad Lidge of closing. He couldn’t close the New York Stock Exchange if he had the bell in his hand at 4PM. truly embarrassing, step your game up.
* how does snickers get hit AGAIN?!?! there are three girls (three and a half if you count the hippo). there are four strong, go to the gym everyday (albeit subsequent to the tanning bed) guys. I’m not a mathematician but something different should have happened. I understand you don’t wanna use too much force because they’re females etc etc, but really, that girl plowed through the line easier than ‘Bama’s Terrence Cody against Tennessee-Chattanooga. Except when she made it through there were a whole lot of rolls and not much tide. Sack up, throw her over your shoulder and walk her down the stairs while she feebly throws punches at your back. If you guys ever did anything in the gym other than work out beach muscles this wouldn’t be such a Sysiphyan task.
* Vinny is moving up very quickly in my book. Every Italian, i know loves the gym, tanning, laundry, and barber routine. It’s nice to find one who breaks the mold and enjoys what other normal people enjoy: basketball and going to the beach. and his mom makes me smile…FTP understated it, she’s the sweetest woman ever. He also knows the value of the cougar, though clearly making out on a car hood is no indication of the requisite wisdom, sophistication and class required for that title. I guess he just hooked up with a horny old broad.
* JWOWW didn’t do anything…if she’s not pulling hair and throwing haymakers, she brings nothing to the table in my opinion. I did catch her trying to get after it with those girls when they attacked though, and I appreciated the effort.