Writing the Pine

New episode of Jersey Shore?  You betcha.  Introducing a new part of the pine, Fist Pump Fridays: Your first situation of the weekend, but hopefully not your last.

Spoiler Alert.  If you ain’t a guido, get the f^&* out of my face. (That’s Guidese for try reading this column again after watching the latest episode on MTV.com)

Angelina

Note to self: Make Facebook images private....

Now it all makes sense.  The latest episode reveals the weird relationship with her boyfriend and the mysterious truncated phone calls from the premiere.

SHE’S DATING A MARRIED MAN! (In the middle of a divorce apparently.  Unfortunately, it was not Tiger.  OH SNAP.)  What a homewrecker.  Sounded like she got dumped by him at the now infamous Karma.  (Must resist Karma joke here.)

After being disrespectful to her manager and landlord/owner, Angelina is told to take a hike.  She came in with a trashbag.  Leaves with one as well.  Which is fitting because:

1) She’s trashy

2) She’s from Staten Island.  (Known for the large landfill)

It’s a bad situation.  She could’ve easily picked up last week’s garbage on the curb instead of her bag of thongs.  But at least the show’s proud cockblocker is gone.  Hot tub sex here we come! (Pun not intended)

Angelina represents all the home run hitters from the PED era of baseball.  Something was going on but we didn’t know what was going on.  Athletes were getting bigger; Heads were growing; More acne than an 8th grade dance; Brady Frickin Anderson hit 50 home runs.  But we the fans, the media, and the general public just nodded and said, “Hmm…that’s weird.”  All the warning signs were there like Angelina.  She refused to let anyone else have fun and cockblocked like it was her job.  When in fact her job was to sell t-shirts, not cockblock.  Her conversations with her boyfriend sounded like he was constantly in a business meeting or spying for the CIA.  “Uhh…I can’t talk right now. I have to go. *click*”  She was dating a married man.  Of course.  Duh.  They were all using steroids.

Snooki

Yes.  She was wearing a “Porn Star in Training” trucker hat while “sucking all the juices out of a pickle.”  I don’t think elaborating more on this subject will add anything.  She came into the show as a trainwreck.  But somehow she’s put it all together and outlasted Angelina in the house.

Snooki, you are the Josh Hamilton of the Jersey Shore.  You had potential as an Oompa Loompa early on, but you were sidetracked by the booze.  You crashed and burned, and yet somehow have come out of it better.  You’ve become a better person and won came in second at the Home Run Derby Contest.  You’re having fun.  Lesbian make-out situation. But next week, BAM.  You get punched in the face.

Sorta like this picture.

Hamilton didn't get punched in the face that night. But I'm sure the booze felt like it punched in him the face the next morning.

But I have faith you will rebound from this situation and it will only make you stronger (and hit more home runs and stay off the DL).  I think I’m referring to Josh Hamilton now.

JWOWW

So, Jwoww didn’t want to tell her boyfriend she cheated on him because he would dump her immediately if she cheated.  (Which she did) (Twice) (With Pauly D)

But she cheated on him while cameras were rolling.  In a public place.  Knowing the show was going to premiere on MTV.  Very short sighted.

So she ends up telling him on the phone that she made out with a guy.  (But didn’t mention the pierced penis part) *Click*  Single Jwoww has now been unleashed on the Jersey Shore.  (Smiles)  For not telling the full truth and skirting the edge, this one goes to Tiger Woods.

Showing off the fist pump

Your apology letter was vague – referring to your shortcomings and failures.  But for once I would’ve like a full, accurate, and luridly detailed apology statement or interview.  I’ve seen the Alex Rodriguez interview with Peter Gammons and Manny and his Estrogen story.  But I for once would like an athlete like Tiger to just come out and blast us out of the water.  It would dominate the news cycles (like it is now) for a little bit and then disappear (like it won’t as each and every new girlfriend/mistress he’s ever had comes out).  I know it’s none of our business but once the media and the people get a sniff of a story, this won’t get buried until a tell-all book or disgruntled housemaid comes cleans on TMZ.  If you had just nipped this in the bud a few weeks ago, this would’ve been over.  You wouldn’t have the Chinese media re-creating the events of the evening.

The Landlord

Who is this guy riding a bike (as in “bike”-cycle and not a motorcycle) around town, owns a beach house, and owns a t-shirt store.   I need to know more about him.  But he just makes these short appearances where he’s awkward and angry.  Where is he from?  Is his t-shirt business a success?  Was that beach house always decorated like that (Italian Flag + Jersey on garage door)?  Why the bike?

He reminds me a lot of Aroldis Chapman.  Why hire an inexperienced agent and then fire him?  Why haven’t you worked out for anyone (yet)?  Let’s see you throw one 102 MPH and some secondary pitches.  I need to see more of this guy but he’s been more elusive than Sasquatch.  Come out of hiding and pitch.  I want to know if you’re El Duque or Kei Igawa.  Daisuke Matsuzaka ‘09 or Daisuke Matsuzaka ‘08. No one in their right mind is going to throw Dice-K money at you.  Heck, no one’s going to throw Strasburg money at you.

MTV AD: Thin Line

There’s an MTV ad about not sending naked pictures of yourself to your boyfriend or vice versa..ahem Grady Sizemore. (As well as cyber-bullying and other hazards of the digital age)

1) I can’t believe we need to teach kids this isn’t a good idea especially in the Internet Age.

and

2) Kids are stupid.

(Insert picture with gratuitous nudity)

…

(Just use your imagination.  Pervs.)

Ronnie Breaking his Own Rule

Rule #1: Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore.  What are you doing Ronnie?  You seemed so logical.  But you’re putting the Guidette on a pedastal.  Why are you ignoring rule numero uno???

You’re Hines Ward.  He broke the first rule of the locker room: don’t talk smack about your teammates and keep everything in-house.  Hines questioned Ben Roethlisberger’s decision to sit out the Sunday Night game against the Ravens because of a concussion in a nationally televised interview with Andrea Kramer.  The sports media pounced on that and in the end Hines had to apologize for creating a divided locker room and look what happened.  The Steelers are on a five-game losing streak including three straight since Hines’s blunder.  They even lost the Browns!  That’d be like Ronnie getting rejected from….pretty much any girl at the Jersey Shore.  Sorry Ron, but I foresee a losing streak for you too and that starts with you breaking up with Sammi.  Let’s hope you won’t suffer the same fate as the Steelers though.

Jersey Shore Power Rankings: Week Two

1. Jenni Jwoww - I think Jwoww has positioned herself for a good run the next few weeks.  She’s newly single and ready to sleep with half the Jersey Shore and her entire house.

2. Mike “The Situation” - While the situation isn’t happy with his current love situation (and power rankings situation), I think he’s laying low in the weeds until he’s ready to pounce on some unsuspecting guidette, Sammi, or cougar.

3. Nicole “Snooki” – Snookie took a big leap.  For her lesbian hot tub escapades and just being the spice of the house, Snooki has just turned this power rankings upside down.

T-4. Sammi “Sweetheart” – (see below)

T-4. Ronnie - For the purposes of this week they were essentially, “Rammi.”  Luckily, that’s about as long as a relationship lasts on Jersey Shore.  Mini-golfing could not save this relationship.  And I love how Sammi apologized to her mom before having sex with Ronnie and how it’s the guest room they use.  For anyone visiting the Jersey Shore house, make sure they put in new sheets or visit a doctor afterwards.

6. Pauly D - Essentially responsible for Jwoww’s break up.  Partially responsible for almost blowing up the house.  It was a good show, but he didn’t drop as much knowledge this week as he did last time around.

7. Vinny “Pink Eye“ - Might have been seen dancing with Jwoww.  I think that’s all he did this week.  Well, I’m sure he fist pumped.

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8. Angelina “Jolie” - Eliminated.   (This isn’t even an elimination competition.)