Writing the Pine

Best. Show. Ever.

If you’ve been hiding under a rock the past week you might have missed the premiere of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.“  The word “awesome” cannot fully comprehend, encompass, and describe the show.  It is simply amazing.  The last time I’ve seen this many self-proclaimed guidos and guidettes?  The Yankees Championship parade.

That said, after staying up to 2 AM watching the episodes online at mtv.com, I’m going to quote Jersey Shore and relate it to my Yankees.

After a month of rest, FiveToolPlayer is back.  And fist pumping.

“My abs are so ripped up, I call it ‘the situation.’” – Mike “the Situation”

Derek Jeter.  Bill Simmons says “The Situation” looks a little like Derek Jeter.  I see a little bit of the Captain.  All I can say is heed the words of Ronnie, the true sage of Jersey Shore:  “Rule #1, don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore.”  Increasingly, we’ve been subjected to more and more of Minka Kelly.  I don’t mind the eye-candy at games.  Just don’t let it affect your killer edge and mentality.  Look at Tom Brady.  There’s still a lot to do:  Titles # 28, 29, and 30.   3,000 and 4,000 hits.  3-4 supermodels, actresses, and pop stars.

“I don’t give a fuck if you’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re 45 years old, I’ll dance with you.” – Vinnie

Scott Boras.  You will sleep with and screw any team in the Majors.  Heck, you even threatened to send college phenom, Stephen Strasburg to Japan over the Nationals.  (I don’t blame you for that one however).  Royals, Nationals, Yankees, Red Sox, East Coast, West Coast, AL, and NL.  You don’t give a rat’s ass where your client ends up.  Just whoever dances the Scott Boras dance the longest and then shells out the most dollars.  This year’s ballad is called the “Matt Holliday dance”.  Have fun St. Louis, Boston, New York, and Anaheim!  And I hope you get the metaphorical equivalent of pink-eye from putting your face in some team’s ass.

P.S. If this was written 6 months ago, it would’ve gone to Brett Favre.  1 year ago, Scott Boras again.

“Anybody know how to peel garlic?” -Mike “the Situation”

Situation?  That’s embarrassing.  You’re Italian.  You should be able to peel garlic.  Or buy some peeled garlic.  This is for the Mets.  You’re embarrassing the rest of us New Yorkers.  Stop crying over bad luck, play, and management.  Flex that big-market payroll and sign some difference-makers and marquee players.  You’re making us look bad.  Johan Santana can’t pitch 162 games.  Get John Lackey.  Get Jason Bay.  Just get into the damn playoffs.

“You have your penis pierced. I love it.” -Jenni “JWOWW”

This is for Diamondbacks GM Josh Byrnes.   No, he’s not JWOWW.  He’s Pauly D and his Prince Albert.  I’m sure when Pauly D first got his piercing he was thinking, “This is hot.  All the ladies will love this piercing.”  Maybe at first it was, but when it’s all said and done, he’ll still have a hole in his dick like Byrnes will have a hole in his team.  He fell in love with JWOWW’s umm…”assets” aka Edwin Jackson’s “stuff” and “potential.”  He went for Ian Kennedy.  Look, these pitchers might pan out going from the AL to the NL, but I don’t think this is going to end well.

Don’t fall in love with the piercings.  Don’t fall in love with JWOWW’s “pure stuff”.

On a related note, Curtis Granderson’s going to bat .280 and be a  30/30 CF for the Yankees.  And apparently a great off-the-field and clubhouse guy.   And he’s cheap and under our control for the next 3-4 years.  Thanks Josh Byrnes.

“I feel like this is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do great things.” -Angelina “Jolie”

I guess we could also call this the “Bobby Abreu” or “Latrell Sprewell” award.  I dedicate this quote from the ultimate cock-blocker to Hideki Matsui. There aren’t too many teams that will vie for your services and even less that will compete for a World Series to boot.  Stay with the Yanks as a pinch hitter / DH for 100 games per season.  Although your potential swan song performance in Game 6 of the World Series was almost 1998-Michael Jordan-esque, I wouldn’t mind it if you came back to the Yanks as an almost a part-time PH/DH.  Don’t be offended by the Yanks offer.  And hopefully, Cashman and Yanks won’t lowball you too badly.

And if that doesn’t work, Johnny Damon’s out there too.  I say offer 1 year + option at $10 million per season to both.  Whoever accepts first gets the contract.  Retract the other offer.

“Tits are coming out tonight.” -JWOWW

Sorry, had to keep this posting somewhat PG-13

To the Yankees.  You’re going to trim payroll after last year’s spending spree?  Look where smart spending got you?  #27!!!  That’s what everyone’s gonna be saying.  Please.  Your budget and payroll are the equivalent to JWOWW’s umm “assets.”.  But that doesn’t mean you need to flash it every 10 seconds and flaunt it to anyone that can see it.  It will only cause jealousy and hatred (cries for a salary cap and whining from Boston).  Show some restraint this year, and it will pay off next year when you need to re-sign the Captain and possibly make a run at potential free-agents (barring extensions) such as Joe Mauer, Roy Halladay, and Cliff Lee without giving up prospects.  Show some restraint with prudent trades, pickups, and reasonable signings this year.

E.g. I like the Bruney trade.  We’re getting the National’s Rule #5 pick (#1 Overall).  Other notable Rule 5 Picks?  Johan Santana.

“Don’t bring dirty girls back.” – one of the girls

Donnie Walsh.  I know.  Not the Yankees.  But I need to address it.  It’s basketball season.  I know you’re itching to make a move.  I can see it in your eyes.  We hear the whispers in the papers.  But don’t make any trades that will hinder our ability to make a play for LeBron/Wade/Bosh and co.  I do not want to see Tyrus Thomas and Jerome James in a Knicks uniform.  I don’t care if their contracts expire sooner than the milk in your fridge.  Bron’s not coming here if we’re playing like the Nets.  If we have cap room AND a good, young nucleus, then we have a shot.

So don’t bring any dirty girls back.

“I wanna pound out every girl in Seaside.” – Ronnie

This quote is dedicated to Eldrick “Tiger” Woods.  Don’t look back.  Just conquer Eldrick.

Just Do It.

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Jersey Shore Power Rankings

1. Mike “The Situation” Just really shined throughout the entire premiere.  Great quotes.  Great nickname/3rd Person act.  Somehow the most cocky/insecure at the same time.

2. Ronnie - This juice-head is articulate and makes poignant observations and predictions.  Might be the smartest of the bunch.  Must be juicing his brain. “Just take off your shirt and girls come at you like flies on shit”  Yes, you just compared yourself to shit.

3. Jenni Jwoww - Thanks for wearing a scarf masquerading as a top to a club.  America loved it.  Ham+Water=Awesomeness.  Just when we thought Snooki was the slut of the season, you really took that role to heart.

4. Pauly D – Loved the tats (Cadillac.  Classy) and the Prince Albert factoid.  But you’re really going to have to step up your game to get to the top of the power rankings.  Good job punching a defenseless idiot though.  9 pounds of pressure. 25 minutes of styling.

5. Sammi “Sweetheart” – What reality TV show would be complete without a silly love triangle.  “If you’re not a Guido, get the fuck out of my face.”  True.

6. Vinny “Pink Eye“  That’s all you really contributed to the show.  And the “Damn I’m the smallest guy here” comment early on.  You do however remind me of my college roommate Will, for the way you dance with strangers of all types.

7. Angelina “Jolie” The Situation said it best.  “Lose 5/10 pounds and then we’ll talk”  And stop being a cock-blocker.  The rest of us are trying to enjoy the best reality TV ever.  Thank you.  Go away. And borrow a suitcase from someone.

8. Nicole “Snooki” I find you annoying.  And you will not grow on me as the season goes along.  Ha! Snuck in a short joke.

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Courtesy of Melissa: http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/

From now on, I’m the “R-Train”