Writing the Pine

As I was doing my daily due diligence by reading any content that comes up in Google for players in my Asian Guy Power Rankings, I came across this article by The News Tribune’s Larry Larue, which described the impact that Seattle Mariners’ Ken Griffey Jr. has had on Ichiro Suzuki.  Now if I was a Seattle Mariners fan, I’d be happy about Ichiro and Griffey’s newly found friendship, but unfortunately I’m an extremely immature guy who only read a bunch of quotes with infinite amounts of potential for gay jokes.

The following are real excerpts (in italics) from Mr. Larue’s article, and unadulterated quotes from Mariners’ trainer Rick Griffin, Ichiro and Griffey:

Ichiro Suzuki spreads a towel on the carpeted floor in front of his locker, lies on his back and begins doing stretching exercises. From Ichiro’s blind side, Ken Griffey Jr. pounces, gets his hands deep under Ichiro’s armpits and digs in with his fingers.

Ichiro’s laughter is almost childlike – genuine and uncontrolled – and after about five seconds he screams the magic word to make Griffey stop.

Junior stands up, walks back to his locker and sits down. Ichiro lies quietly for a moment, letting his body relax, then goes back to stretching as if nothing had happened.

But he’s smiling.

“This,” trainer Rick Griffin said, “is the happiest I’ve seen Ichiro since 2001.”

“I’m in my ninth year in the game here, and there’s a point where you have to protect yourself,” Ichiro said. “It’s been hard to open my heart to everyone.”

Then the Mariners signed Griffey in spring training. Nothing has been the same since – especially Ichiro. At Safeco Field, his locker faces Griffey’s. On the road, they are always near one another.

Just talking about Junior gets Ichiro animated.

Junior laughs loudly, then says, “I love messing with him.”

Griffey is the first member of the Mariners ever to make fun of the way Ichiro dresses – at least to his face. Each day when Ichiro enters the clubhouse in street clothes, Junior goes through a five-point rating process.

“I’d wear that shirt,” he said in Denver. “The pants, no. That belt? No. Shoes? Yeah, I might wear those. But that man purse? No (bleeping) way. You’re 2-for-5 today.”

“Ken has always been my favorite superstar, and from the time I started following his career I thought about what a relationship with him would be like,” Ichiro said. “I wasn’t going to pursue it – that wouldn’t have been respectful.

“He’s the one who’s always doing something to me. He knows how to mess with me. It is my greatest honor to play with him.”

Griffin, the trainer, said walking through the clubhouse in that final hour before a game, Ichiro and Junior can be a bit unnerving.

“Sometimes they’ll each be at their locker, just staring at one another,” he said.

“In baseball, we’re all together every day. Not five days a week – every day. So things can happen more quickly,” Griffey said.

“If he’d known I was ticklish back in ’95, he’d probably have jumped on me then, too,” Ichiro said.  “As he gets older – even when he’s a grandpa – I’d still like to have him here.”

Ichiro was stunned the first time Griffey attacked him, although his laughter was as genuine that day as any other.

“He’s the only teammate I would ever let do that. In Japan, all relationships are respectful, so no one would ever do that to me,” Ichiro said. “If someone else did it here, I’d probably punch them in the face.”

That said, Ichiro smiles broadly and adds this:

“This is the happiest I’ve been since 2001.”

So let me get this straight. Since when was it cool for grown men to…

a) allow oneself to be tickled by another grown man

b) giggle wildly upon being tickled

c) “scream the magic word” to another man (I really have no idea what the magic word is, by the way)

d) wear purses

e) openly ponder about relationships with another man

f) express wanting to grow old with another man

Oooooh boy.  Shouldn’t this be reported to the Mariners’ HR (human resources, not home runs, although Ichiro and Griffey seem to admire each others’ “bats”) staff?