Writing the Pine

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We, the members of Writing the Pine, apologize for mostly ignoring hockey. We can’t help it. (For those who don’t know what hockey is, click here). There’s only so much we can cover with all the good sporting events going on. Maybe we would have followed the Lord Stanley’s playoffs much more closely this year, but none of us could locate Versus on our cable network.

But it would be egregious on our part if we ignored GAME 7 of the STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS. It could be GAME 7 of the REGIONAL CURLING CHAMPIONSHIPS and the staff members of WTP should at least pay some attention to it. So without further ado, I present: “Ridiculous Recap of Game 7 of the 2009 Stanley Cup Finals: Mad Libs Edition”
(Special thanks to Leonard Stern and Roger Price who invented Mad Libs in 1953 according to Wikipedia).

What a RESPECTABLE end to the series! Could anyone have predicted that the Stanley Cup Finals would live up the hype and expectations of a Game 7? How many times have they disappointed like OUR DAUGHTERS GROWING UP TO BE STRIPPERS? How many times has the run up surpassed the actual event?

The final score said 2 to 1. But it seemed much closer than that until the final BOOM BOOM POW.

Max Talbot was unbelievable. He FINGERPOINTED and PUNISHED until he ripped out the TONSILS of the Detroit Red Wings. Even Iceburgh looked BORING. This game and performance will go down as one of the greatest ever along with likes of TIGER WOODS and ANDY RODDICK. TWO years from now, you’ll recount the DUBIOUS performance – the likes of which you IRONICALLY see today.

“Nobody believed in us. We gave it 110% today. Our team left it all out on the ice.” said Dan Bylsma. “JESUS CHRIST wins championships and we had the TOENAILS of a ZEBRA.”

With the locker room covered in FUZZY NAVALS, BILL GUERIN was being attended to by GYNECOLOGISTS when PERCEPTION hit him in his BICEP. His status for the victory parade is in doubt according to the team’s GENERAL MANAGER.

In the other locker room, it was quiet enough to hear BLUE JEANS. Observers could see CHRIS OSGOOD crying like a 17 year old FEMALE. Rumor has it, this is his last season playing in the NHL. He was overheard saying he didn’t have anything left in the ENGINE.

“This is the MOST HARMLESS day of my life. I have trained myself for the past 75 years and I never envisioned myself on the losing end. Near the end, the ROOF caved in. That was the COAT in the DOG. You know?” Nicklas Lidstrom said in near tears at the post-game press conference. “I just want to MOVE and HULK SMASH. I’m sorry,” he said as he left the podium abruptly.

Fans of the Red Wings were seen were seen GRADUATING after the game and law enforcement were forced to REITERATE. There were only 27 reported dead at the scene.

Other Notes: The victory parade will take place 6:27 AM on JULY 4, 2024 regardless of whether it is SUNNY or HAILING.

So there you have it folks.  Coverage of Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals just like we promised.  (Special thanks to TheWritingIllini for filling out the Mad Lib).

Okay seriously now.  Let me hand it off to YJ now who told everybody he’ll watch tonight’s game.  YJ?

Yeah I saw the game.  Well, kind of.  Oh c’mon it was Game 1 of the Subway Series. I did switch off between both games though and I have to say, they were both exciting.  It was a back and forth game between Yankees and the Mets and the team from Queens looked like they were gonna take it until Luis Castillo decided to well, be a typical Met and hand the game to other team.

What’s that?  This is a hockey recap?  Oh.  That’s right.  I’m sorry.

On the real though, the first thing I noticed was just how passionate the Detroit fans are about their Red Wings.  The crowd was electric and honestly, I wish basketball fans were as rowdy.  I’m not saying they’re not, but the Detroit fans were pretty crazy throughout.  It seemed as though the Red Wings players fed off that energy because they came out super aggressive.  It sure looked like they were gonna crush the Penguins but obviously that wasn’t the case.  Pittsburgh survived the initial onslaught and held their ground to finish the first period in a 0-0 tie.

Unfortunately I don’t know how long the intermissions last in hockey so I ended up watching a few innings of the Mets/Yankees game.  You can’t blame me though.  If NHL ‘94 had real-time intermissions then I would’ve known how long they lasted.  But I lucked out and switched back in time to catch Max Talbot’s first goal.  I missed his second goal though, because I’ll be honest again, after Sidney Crosby got injured, I lost some interest in the game and went back to baseball.  (Hockey needs to do a better job of marketing.  I mean, the only guys non-hockey fans know are Crosby and Alex Ovechkin.  And the only time I’ve ever seen hockey commercials was during this game’s telecast and that’s a bit counterintuitive in my opinion.  Better marketing or hockey players need to get arrested more often by way of shooting themselves in the leg.  Going out with celebrities would also be a huge plus.  Sean Avery could’ve been a giant star but he instead, is a giant douche.  Anyway, I digress.)  So Sid the Kid got hurt, I watched some baseball, I turn back to hockey and it’s 2-0 Pittsburgh.  And I will say I was happy to see the underdog seize control.

The third period was clearly desperation time for the Red Wings and they played like it.  They had the Pens back on their heels, err…skates, and outshot them 7-1 in the period.  But let me fast forward to the last minute of the game, after Detroit already cut the deficit in half.  That was pretty damn exciting stuff.  The crowd was going nuts, doing everything they could to help their team tie the game up and the Red Wings tried their damndest to oblige.  That diving save by Marc-Andre Fleury on Lidstrom’s last-second shot was pretty ridiculous.  Alas it was not meant to be for the city of Detroit which suffered another blow.  They just can’t catch a break can they.  But, it’s now officially Crosby’s league even though he missed half the game and lost out on the Conn Smythe trophy to teammate Evgeni Malkin.  He beat out fellow phenom LeBron James in winning a championship first and he deserves all the accolades bestowed upon him.  Maybe the NHL can ride Crosby’s wave of momentum from winning the Stanley Cup and pull in some of the old fans its lost in previous years and maybe, just maybe, gain some new ones to bring the sport back to prominence.

In the meantime, we here at Writing the Pine will spend the offseason trying to learn more about hockey to provide you guys with at least a few thoughts about this graceful sport.  Or at least we’ll see if we can find someone to.