Writing the Pine

The recent success of the movie The Hangover got us thinking: which athletes would we want to go to Vegas with? We thought it’d be a fun little group project to do, so we asked the guys to pick three athletes, current or former (as long as they’re still alive), they’d want to go on a road trip to Vegas with for a few days of innocent (or not) shenanigans, frightful debauchery, and just a plain ol’ good time. Here are their answers:

The Ringleader of many of our Vegas groups.

FIVETOOLPLAYER
Charles Barkley – Initally, I was torn between Sir Charles and His Airness for who would accompany me in an imaginary trip to Vegas which would include copious amounts of gambling. Then, I came to the realization that Jordan was the type of person that would be fun to play with as long as you were winning. I could see him sulking around or throwing a fit if he blew $500 grand. I can imagine a scenario in either blackjack or poker where I would bluff him or take one of his low cards and it would ruin the trip. He would glare at me like I was BJ Armstrong taking an errant three or punch me in the face like he did Will Purdue and Steve Kerr. On the other hand, Chuck’s a guy that admits he might have had a gambling problem, is always joking around and speaks his mind freely. Seems like a landslide victory for the Round Mound of Rebound. Welcome to the trip to Vegas, Charles.

Jason Giambi (with pornstache) – I actually know two friends that have been at a bar in New York City or a club in Vegas where Giambi and his group (usually including Joba Chamberlain) would show up and buy everyone a shot or two. Or pay for their tab. This is a man that loves to party, freely purchase alcohol for strangers, and was quoted once as saying: “Party like a rock star, hammer like a porn star, and rake like an all-star.”

This is a man I want to go to Vegas with.

Robert Horry – Huh?

I know it seems a bit out of left field. But, I figure if you’re going to Vegas, it doesn’t hurt to have a little bit of luck on your side. This is a man that has made a career out of being lucky. Horry averaged 7 points, 5 rebounds, and 2 assists over his career. He was supposed to be traded from the Rockets to the Pistons in 1994, but the trade fell through when Sean Elliott failed his physical (related to kidney issues). He eventually won two championships with the Rockets. He was traded to the Suns (along with others) for Charles Barkley, another member of our Vegas All-Stars trip. His stay was short-lived as his tension with his coach led to his throwing of a towel into Danny Ainge’s face (which led to a suspension and a subsequent trade to the Los Angeles Lakers). It came just in time though, as he solidified his playoff legacy by winning three more championships and made more clutch playoff shots. After becoming a free agent in 2003, he signed with the Spurs where he won two additional world championships.

He is only one of two players to have won championships with three different teams. (The immortal John Salley is the other). There have only been nine players in the NBA who have won seven or more championship rings. All but Horry were members of the Celtics dynasty of the 1960’s.

This career lucky charm has as many championship rings as Kobe and Shaq combined (pending the outcoming of the 2009 NBA finals). I’m not saying Horry didn’t deserve the championship rings for his clutch three’s and contributions, but there has been more than a fair share of luck involved in his career arc. There’s no denying that. Hopefully, some of that luck rubs off on us.

Plus, he looks like Will Smith.

So there you have it, Chuck, Giambi and Horry.

Allen Iverson gives your crew some instant street cred.

THEWRITINGILLINI
Patrick Ewing – Hall of Famer. Gold Club veteran. Three wins away from winning the 2009 NBA Championship. Ewing has all qualities of a perfect wingman for a trip to Vegas. Has money, attracts the bitches, and is undeniably uglier than you.

Michael Vick – Vegas is the mecca of sports betting. My man Mike Vick will have insider information when it comes to certain matchups in college sports. Like if the Huskies happen to play the Bulldogs in the NCAA Tournament, who else could you go to for better betting advice?

Allen Iverson – Who would be fun to hang out with and also match the grandeur of Ewing and Vick? The Answer would be the answer to that question (c’mon, that was funny!) No Vegas trip would be complete without some weed and a bar fight and A.I. will have my back in both cases. The former MVP has two charges each for possession of marijuana and unlawful possession of a firearm and charges for battery, assault, and death threats to add to his impressive NBA resumé.

Really Pinesol??? Bringing sand to the beach?  HOW DARE YOU! (SI)

PINESOL
Charles Barkley – He’s funny as hell and he can take a joke too. Plus, his partying is the stuff of legends. There’s a video clip somewhere showing Chuck chugging a whole bottle of patron. Remember when he was at a bar and he threw some dude through a window? Remember his gambling problems? Now THAT’S the kind of guy i want to take to Vegas. “Yo chuck, I bet you $100 you can’t swim a lap around the fountains at the Bellagio.” Done. “Chuck I bet you $100 you cant win a fight against…”

Shaquille O’Neal – The Big Diesel. He’s one of the most quotable athletes in the world. A real comedian. Shaq’s got that RIDICULOUS contract so he can clearly pay for whatever the hell we do and whatever damages we cause. Plus, have you seen him dancing with the Jabbawockeez? The man is a born entertainer.

Maria Sharapova – If I had the chance to chill with any active athlete and I didn’t use that opportunity to do her I’m obviously not heterosexual.

He may be quiet and reserved, but Reggie Bush still knows how to have a good time.  Hopefully he shares the wealth.

ANDERSON
So if I had a choose three athletes to go on a trip to Vegas with, it would have to be Reggie Bush, Joba Chamberlain/Jason Giambi (they count as one person, i’ll explain shortly), and Stephon Marbury. These three (four) current athletes have almost very little in common: they come from different backgrounds and they all play different sports. Yet, my decision to roll with these athletes is more strategic in that I would utilize the greatest attributes of each person.

Reggie Bush – Might be the sexiest male athlete to have ever stepped foot on this planet. Simply put, he is a chick magnet. However, after the initial gravitation, his reserved and quiet side and low-key demeanor take over. Nevertheless, having Reggie around will give the group instant credibility in front of the ladies.

Joba Chamberlain and Jason Giambi – I must admit that I’ve only had a few celebrity sightings in my life, but one of them was with Joba and Jason. My company’s basketball team had suffered its seventh consecutive loss. To make things worse, we had lost this game by one point in double overtime. To soften the blow, the team went uptown to Justin Timberlake’s restaurant to drink our sorrows away. Upon settling down in our own section in the backroom, the waitress runs up to our table to inform us that Joba Chamberlain was in the house. Yes, I know that there’s been an imposter Joba around, but make no mistake, this was the real deal. We told the waitress to beckon Joba to come to the back and that we’d buy him a round. Five minutes later, she delivered on her promise, bringing in Joba, Jason Giambi, and a Yankee hitting coach. We all had about two rounds of Patron. Afterwards, Joba and Jason went ahead to mack it to the ladies, and to make a long story short, they each had hands on four different asses in a matter of minutes. But going back to my choices, I would bring Joba/Jason as a combo. They definitely have the conversational gambits to keep the ladies around. Not only that, but they would also bring the diversity in the ladies that rolled in my circle.

Stephon Marbury – Finally, my Coney Island brother, Stephon Marbury would have no problem closing deals. His notorious statement to the MSG intern: “Are you going to get into the truck or what?” was enough for me to realize that this guy has no shame. He’s also been on live interviews high off his ass. This guy really knows how to have fun. These guys bring something different to the table. Hopefully, they complement each other as well as I hope and that it doesn’t turn into one huge orgy…

Huh?  What’s Mr. Wonderful doing here on our trip to Vegas? (Bill Kostroun/AP)

PINETIMEPLAYER
Personally, if I’m going to Vegas for a crazy roadtrip, I’d rather stay away from constant public attention. It’s kind of hard to let things that happen in Vegas, “stay in Vegas” if you’ve got more cameras around you than A-Rod in Central Park. I don’t wanna be the guy who has to step aside on the red carpet for the paparazzi to snap photos neither. So although I would love to hang with Jeter, Tiger, and Shaq….Vegas might not be the best place for it. So here’s my list:

Ross Ohlendorf – After reading Tim Kurkijan’s ESPN piece on the Princeton graduate, there is no doubt in my mind that this guy is a genius. “Ohlendorf majored in Operations Research and Financial Engineering at Princeton, a major that combined mathematics, engineering and economics.” If I need someone to calculate odds, probabilities, and my retirement needs, this is the guy. Heck, forget Vegas, why isn’t this guy in the Presidential Cabinet? Ross Ohlendorf represents the “brains” of my trip. You always need at least one of those when embarking on a trip filled with booze, strippers, cards and a million other potentially horrible decisions.

Damon Jones – When this guy was in Miami, Shaq and him were a hoot. From ridiculous haircuts to ridiculous suits, Damon Jones is just a funny dude. He once said to the media, “I apologize to you guys [in the media]. You weren’t able to get any of my clever quotes and my humorous statements.” Also, you’re going to need some swagger when going to Vegas. You’re going to be surrounded by half-naked, gorgeous women who upon seeing the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign, apparently throw sound judgment out the window. So your ass better know how to spit some game. “Not only am I the most attractive player in Cleveland, I am the most attractive player in the NBA.” We’re gonna need someone like him on our trip. I mean, somebody’s gotta loosen up the Ivy Leaguer (see above).

Jason Giambi – Okay, I know I said I’m gonna go for guys that fly under the radar, so we’ll get Jason some dark shades. Ones that you can’t see his eyes, unless his head is bent. You dig? Jason’s motto: “Party like a rock star, hammer like a porn star, rake like an all-star.” ‘Nuff Said. If we’re not gonna do Vegas properly, might as well not do it all.

Three’s company and four’s a crowd- sorry Robert Horry. You’ll have to wait until next year. In my opinion, he’s the luckiest player ever. Why? Because he’s won seven rings with three different teams. Been lucky enough to play for the Rockets when they had the Dream, the Lakers when they had Shaq and Kobe, and the Spurs when they had Duncan and company. He’s hit big shot after big shot when it mattered. Hey, if I’m rolling the dice, picking a number, or pulling a slot machine, Robert Horry is the guy to do it. Plus, the dude looks like Will Smith. Ladies love the Fresh Prince.

(Editor’s Note: fivetoolplayer and PineTimePlayer did not consult with each other in writing this article.  However, they’ve spent so much time together they know each other better than Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist from Brokeback Mountain.  Okay.  Maybe they don’t know each other THAT well).

The loosest A-Rod has looked since ‘99.

HOMETOWNHERO
Adam “Pacman” Jones – He’d make it rain all day, everyday. Who else do you know would put that $50k in cash in a Vegas S-Club and throw it up in the air like LeBron before a game? You have to be crazy if you would not want to be a part of an evening like that.

Alex Rodriguez – Biggest contract in the history of sports, has been seen at numerous s-clubs while flirting with many girls. This guy would put more money down in one night in Vegas, than me and you would make in a lifetime. Money pays, especially in Vegas, and that’s why I’m going with the richest athlete.

Cristiano Ronaldo – The premier soccer player, playing for the most recognizable franchise in the world. The guy has everything: the looks, the money, the flair, everything. Picture yourself rolling into the Monte Carlo with him; you could have any boo by night’s end (even the EUROPEAN ones), guaranteed. Now imagine that in Vegas.

The ladies love Becks.  YJ may also.

YJ
LeBron James - If I had the opportunity to choose any athlete to go to Vegas with, why wouldn’t I pick arguably the biggest athlete in the world?  LeBron is on another level than almost any other athlete and I intend to take full advantage of his name.  You think any club or party would deny me admission if I was rolling with the King?  Not likely unless they wanted to end up like GM.  I’d get VIP access anywhere I went.  He’s also one of the richest athletes in the world so you know money isn’t an issue.  Plus, dude doesn’t even drink so he’d double as the responsible guy and the guy who gets us in everywhere.  And with LeBron, you know your boy would definitely get his vitamins.

David Beckham – You need at least one white guy as part of the group.  And I’ll take it one step further by taking a white British dude.  But not only that, I’m taking possibly the best looking British dude in the history of British dudes.  (Okay let me calm down for a minute…………………………….okay).  Everyone knows the ladies love Becks and if I was with him, it’d give me the confidence to go up to any woman even with my lack of game, and I’d STILL seal the deal.  They’d put up with my awful pick-up lines and ugly dome just for the opportunity to have Beckham.  He seems like a nice enough dude and I don’t think he’d steal my prey for himself (he does have Posh after all).

Charles Barkley – The easiest choice of all.  Barkley might be the most down-to-earth superstar so you know he’s always down for a good time.  I could only imagine what it’d be like to hang out with a blasted Sir Charles.  His gambling exploits are well-documented and you know he’d know exactly where to go for the best you-know-whats in town.  He’s the perfect guy, athlete or not, to go to Vegas with.  Just stay away from the golf course.

Pretty Boy’s certainly got the paper to have a good time in Vegas.

THEFINALWORD
Michael Phelps – Every wide receiver parties at a titty bar and does blow off a stripper’s ass. What differentiates Michael Phelps is his choice of venue. There can’t be anything better than hitting up college parties with a famous athlete. Just imagine the play you will get! Also, since his image isn’t as tarnished as some of the other choices for this list (Pacman, Plaxico Burress, or even the other two guys on my list), you’re not likely to get locked up in the slammer for the night as a result of your actions. That freedom of consciousness brings Michael Phelps to the top of my list.

John Daly – This guy chain smokes ON THE COURSE and tees off beer cans. If you can have that much fun on a stuffy golf course with older, stiff white guys, who knows what he will do in Vegas? I gotta give it to him.  It’s amazing that a golfer is even in consideration, let alone number 2 on my list. His Vegas potential is off the charts, considering his current shenanigans take place in Augusta and Bethpage.

Floyd Mayweather Jr. – First off, you have to remember that this guy lives in Vegas year-round. I bet you that no athlete gets constant VIP service the way Mayweather does. He would know his way around everywhere and know the best spots to hit up. He is the premier expert on all the essentials of a crazy night in Vegas because he does this every night. Since he’s a regular at all of these venues, his star treatment would be expected. Plus, he’s boys with every rapper alive, so you get that added bonus.

There you have it.  Those are our choices on who to go to Vegas with.  So who would YOU want to go with?

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